Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
