i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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