saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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