Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just gift wrapped bread.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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