You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
