Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize