btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
