OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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