Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
