She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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