someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
