Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize