Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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