Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
