i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
