i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she told me i tasted like america
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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