so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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