allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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