Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
