I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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