If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
