Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
