I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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