Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
