don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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