I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
