i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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