Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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