she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
