God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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