my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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