When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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