I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
