As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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