I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
