i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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