I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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