So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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