Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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