Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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