You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
