You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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