I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She announced her abortion via fbk
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
