I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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