I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
