the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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