:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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