I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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