Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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