theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
