does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
