I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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