Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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