I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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