Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
