I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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