You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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